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  • theokaczmarczyk

Suffering

What is fear? What is love? Who knows. I thought about so many things in the last couple of years. One of the most profound things always in the unconscious behind so many thoughts was: „How could I overcome this invisible wall around me. This wall suggesting that there is something holding me back to truly enjoy myself or to be at ease." And on the contrary, there was a big black hole inside just swallowing every dream, every action, everything I thought I was or might have imagined to be. It is uncomfortable. Is it fear, darkness, death? The inability to take any action, and in no action the big black hole is at work in a devasting way. The body becomes heavy and thoughts are rampaging like a storm through the head. But no matter how many words are used or how long it was observed there is no final answer no final thought of resolution. When I thought I found the answer, shortly it was washed away with the rising tide leaving nothing behind. And the symbol of a word became meaningless in the light of change.

You have to be good, you have to be happy, you have to be the best version of yourself. It is a lot of pressure. It is insane. Call me crazy but it feels like you have to become the best version of yourself in order to avoid something called void. For me part of a feeling that nothing matters and that death is always present.

Materialism. Producing, selling, and consuming. It went so far that the idea of self became a product. Something to produce, something to sell, something to own and to consume.

„Void. Do I matter?" Nothing matters. „Well, I don't like that." Doesn't matter.

Sometimes there is a comfortable feeling of void and sometimes it's not that comfortable. If I try to become the best or the worst version of myself, the void becomes more uncomfortable, trying to go forward, the invisible wall gains height, thoughts become louder, nearly desperate they start to scream. What they might say is:" I just want to be fulfilled" but if I listen closely to the waves of excitement, there is another voice saying: „Kill me please." And the strange thing is that there is a sense of fulfillment. A sense of ease and grace, relieving itself from the pressure of excitement in a moment of death. And holding on to the feeling of death will shortly become another death of death.

Over the years I had a few encounters with visions of darkness, suggesting it is something as part of my core being and it scared me a lot of times. A big black hole just swallowing everything into a void of non-existence. It can be seen as so devastating and brutal but at the same time, it can be so gentle and so at ease.

„I'm afraid" Good. „I'm in deep emotional pain" Beautiful. „I suffer" Excellent.

There is something not to be seen in the vision of eyes if they look outside. There is something not to be seen in the symbol word of suffering and in all the explanations and words to describe it.

I feel there is something very deep and profound in the feeling of suffering. Something which is not seen in the light.

Everyone suffers. And in a way it is beautiful. If all the chatter in my head just becomes quiet for one moment and I only listen to the resonance of suffering, there is also ease…It is a knowing that nothing matters and that „I" don't exist.

And if I try to exist I will suffer big time, endless words arguing in my head that I indeed do exist and a big black hole inside sucking all existence into non-existence.

It is a great gift.

It is the nondoing of nature falling into death. It is pure transformation without the weight of intention.

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